There are a number of topics which should be discussed between the two individuals as they proceed in a shidduch. They should try to understand each other and see how compatible they are in regard to different topics.
The Rebbe once received a request from a young lady who had been married for a few months and said she finds the situation with her new husband to be very difficult, they disagree on many issues and as a result it affects their sholom bayis. The Rebbe sent back a note, “Did you speak about these issues before you decided on the shidduch to be sure that you knew exactly his views? ”
This teaches us the importance the Rebbe felt about the individuals discussing various issues of married life.
During the years that Rav Zalman Shimon Dvorkin was the ROV of Crown Heights, I had the opportunity to discuss with him different situations of married life. These discussions assisted me when couples would look for guidance. Also, as a result of these conversations with him, I was able to compile a list of issues which he felt was important that the two individuals should discuss, so to understand, as much as possible, how agreeable they are about these issues, so to prevent problems in the future.
Rabbi Groner’s Shopping List
Some of the topics that should be discussed before finalizing a shidduch:
Many times as a result of discussing these topics, shidduchim did not work out because the two individuals were unable to close the chasm that stood between them. Sometimes, at first they were far apart on some issues, but in the course of time, after analyzing the details, they were able to come to a mutual understanding and overcome their differences. This is what the Rebbe meant when he asked, “Did you discuss before deciding?”
The Rebbe once received a request from a young lady who had been married for a few months and said she finds the situation with her new husband to be very difficult, they disagree on many issues and as a result it affects their sholom bayis. The Rebbe sent back a note, “Did you speak about these issues before you decided on the shidduch to be sure that you knew exactly his views? ”
This teaches us the importance the Rebbe felt about the individuals discussing various issues of married life.
During the years that Rav Zalman Shimon Dvorkin was the ROV of Crown Heights, I had the opportunity to discuss with him different situations of married life. These discussions assisted me when couples would look for guidance. Also, as a result of these conversations with him, I was able to compile a list of issues which he felt was important that the two individuals should discuss, so to understand, as much as possible, how agreeable they are about these issues, so to prevent problems in the future.
Rabbi Groner’s Shopping List
Some of the topics that should be discussed before finalizing a shidduch:
- Level of Yiras Shomayim (including mode of tznius dress. Shaitel, etc.)
- Level of kashrus (the Rebbe was very concerned that this should be on the highest level)
- Type of chinuch for the children
- Participation in shiurim, both parents. How often? To arrange to have shiurim at their home from time to time
- Participation in Chassidishe farbrengens
- Hachnosas orchim Shabbos and Yom Tov
- Type of clothing (more expensive or less. Type of furniture)
- Whether to eat out, how often (level of kashrus of restaurants)
- Tzedoko, amounts, to whom?
- How many children?
- Not to have a television
- Husband to daven with a minyan, chitas rambam
- Shlichus, how far?
- If a person is a ger/giyoires, this should be communicated before deciding about meeting, but should not be a reason to refrain from pursuing a shidduch so long as it was al pi halocho
- Saying yechi, the children wearing yechi yarmulkes? There was a case where the two sides were ready to go to the ohel to finalize the Shidduch. Two days before going to the ohel, the young lady mentioned to the boy that she says yechi and when they will have boys they should wear yechi yarmulkes. The boy said under no condition. She broke the Shidduch.
Many times as a result of discussing these topics, shidduchim did not work out because the two individuals were unable to close the chasm that stood between them. Sometimes, at first they were far apart on some issues, but in the course of time, after analyzing the details, they were able to come to a mutual understanding and overcome their differences. This is what the Rebbe meant when he asked, “Did you discuss before deciding?”